1 &1/2 years ago I took a drive across the country and one of the many stops I made was in PA where I grew up. I was visiting my Nephew Shawn and while there I kept getting the feeling that I must go visit my oldest brother Curt while I was there because it would be the last time I would see him alive and it was a strong feeling. He was a few hours drive away but I made it happen. While I was there on the visit he said " I kind of expected you and Brian (my youngest brother) to come in together because I feel it would be the last time we would see each other". That to me was confirmation something was going to happen. It was a really nice visit. He was able to make some special meals for me. He really enjoyed cooking and eating. lol
November 6, 2015 while I was sitting at my dinning room table looking for quotes to post for Soul To Soul, I get the call. I can only explain the feeling of leaving my body and no longer being coherent. As a child growing up you always know your parents are going to pass because no matter what age they are, to you, they are old. I NEVER thought about losing a sibling. I was stunned and could not absorb what I was just told. As I sat there in disbelief, I heard " I am ok baby girl, I love you". He was the oldest and I am the youngest so he would always call me baby girl. I proceeded to call the family to break the heart wrenching news..... Curtis just passed away from Diabetes complications. Time after time silence and then tears and then our calls were ended so people could mourn and collect themselves.
Things were already crazy busy with changes in my life and moving but I had to drop everything and fly into PA because Curtis wanted Brian and I to take care of his final wishes. He had his funeral planned out. He wanted it a certain way but even with that, how can we function when we were given such horrible news. Its like I was not present in my body. We had many stumbling blocks there but we got it done according to his wishes. It was beautiful and just the way he wanted it.
I was trying hard to take some time to find something on the internet that I could read from my heart to Curtis so that I would have something to focus on and not cry. Shawn (his son) came to me and asked if we could dedicate GO REST HIGH ON THAT MOUNTAIN
(Please go to the link and listen, what a beautiful song)
and I said of course. So I looked for this version so people could read and feel the words as it was being played. I was still arranging things for that morning and all the last minute things that still needed to be taken care of. Frantically in between all that was going on and still looking for something special to read from me to him.... this appeared.....
At the time I took it as a message he wanted me to read for everyone, so this is what I read. Now, a year later as I sit here and type I know this was a message mostly for me. You see, I am so use to giving messages to others and helping others with their loss that I totally missed this message for myself. The service was surreal. My brother stood up and said his beautiful piece, we streamed the song to a screen and I read the above message.
Afterwards we all went to the cemetery and then the entire family went across the street to have a beer and toast my brother Curtis and we shared great times and memories. Now the next part I am going to tell you I now understand why it happened.
After the funeral and donating his things and all of us getting his belongings and apartment taken care of, I flew home to Colorado Springs Colorado because I was to be leaving for Bermuda in 3 days. It was a bitter sweet visit as I got to spend some much needed time with family as well. Continuing on with my hectic life, I flew home and had to pack right away (and deal with a flooded basement in my home that happened while I was gone). So 3 days after arriving home I headed back to Denver to stay in a hotel that night because of an early flight the next morning. The entire trip from Colorado Springs to Denver I was craving a cup of coffee. I went directly to the hotel to check in so I could relax. I checked in and thought there would be a coffee maker in the room but there wasn't. I went down to the front desk and asked if they had coffee any where. She said I have an instant packet of coffee and the hot water machine is in the kitchenette area. I said at this point I will take anything.
I usually never drink coffee at night but I felt like I needed a "fix" thats how bad I wanted it. So she gave me the packet and I went over and got a cup and poured the coffee in. Then I moved over to the coffee / hot water dispensing machine to add water. It was the kind that had the digital read out that said "coffee brewing" or "hot water". I looked at the display and on it was the word CURTIS. I almost fell to the floor. Right there was a message from my brother so soon after the funeral. He wanted to take the time when my mind was not so full to let me know he was there with me. I felt like I was on cloud nine. I finally realized how other people feel when I give them a message from a loved one. You never know how they are going to communicate with us to give us a message. Just be open and ready to receive it.
I had a hard time dealing with the feeling that I felt I didn't do anything special for him at the funeral and I was worried he would think I didn't love him. (Yes my human mind gets in the way of my spiritual being sometimes)
I got a call when I got back from Bermuda from a doctors office confirming an appointment. I was still in a daze somewhat and said ok and went the next day. Here, it was a mental health counselor. I never made that appointment!!!! I figured I am here in the office that I will finish the appointment. She was asking me if I am depressed, so on and so forth so I told her what all I had been through in a short period of time. I was very edgy and felt like I was wasting my time. She said "you know he is around you and he is never gone". I said "look I already know all that, I didn't want to say anything for fear of being perceived as being crazy but I am a medium and I talk to dead people".
So I kind of had this attitude that I was wasting my time. I told her that I was upset and that I felt that I didn't do anything special for my brother at his funeral or had even taken the time to mourn him properly. The only thing I remember her saying was " Didn't you give him the funeral of his wishes and then some? Don't you think that was special and important to him?" That was what I needed to hear and realize. When I do things for people I do it out of the kindness of my heart and never look at it as something special to the other person. A valuable and much needed lesson to be learned that day. I feel as though my brother set that entire appointment up for me to get the message from him that I did do something special for him.
I know this might sound strange but my brother was dying to die. He could not wait to be with his beloved wife Patty. Even though it is hard for us to lose someone we love very dearly it is comforting to know they are with other loved ones on the other side and that they are happy. So on this one year anniversary Curtis. Even after searching for another hour this morning I still couldn't find the perfect poem but here you go Curtis I love you